USA Olympic Track & Field Trials Review: July 3-4, TRACK IS EXCITING!

After taking a day off to write a strange piece of parody/baseball analysis, I’m back with more commentary on the USA Track & Field qualifiers.

Women’s 800m

And people say track is boring. This race was unbelievable. Go watch the full race now if you haven’t. It’s the best two minutes of sports you’ll watch this week. Controversy! Drama! Action! Alysia Montano and Brenda Martinez collided on the last turn. Seriously, that actually happened! Two of the best American 800m runners (and two presumptive favorites to make the team) collided at Olympic Trials! And then everybody had to avoid them! And then Montano got up anyway and finished the race a minute later despite clearly having an injury.

Meanwhile, Kate Grace won the race by less than half a second over Ajee Wilson. Grace was in fifth when the collision happened with 150m to go. Absolute madness. To contextualize this, because I barely even knew who she was before this race, this was like when the 7-9 Seahawks defeated the Saints in the first round of the playoffs. You know, the Marshawn Lynch Beast Mode game. Kate Grace winning the 800m is essentially like that team knocking off the Super Bowl champions. In this analogy, Martinez hitting Montano was equivalent to making the playoffs as a 7-9 team.

By the way, this was a PR for Grace in the most important race of her career to date, which is unbelievably clutch. She basically went “Beast Mode” in the last 100 meters. Wilson and Chrishuna Williams will join Grace in Rio. I have never heard of Chrishuna Williams but apparently she was only running in the 2:09s two years ago. Haha, what? Um, she ran at Arkansas, according to that Flotrack article.

Now, to be completely honest, I don’t think a race in which two of the top American runners in this event fell is a true indicator of talent. A shocking thought, I know. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is, and Martinez will have to try again in the 1500m. Don’t get me wrong, this sucks. It was a racing incident that rarely happens, but this is the reality when deciding an Olympic team based on one race. It looked like Martinez hit Montano’s leg while Montano was passing and then lost her balance. Montano was trying to make the classic outside pass on the final turn of the 800m but she didn’t want to swing out wide until the final stretch. I think Montano panicked a bit, as she went out in a crazy 57.45 (a stupidly hard first 400m for an 800) and tried to recover the ground she lost once she inevitably started to fade. I can’t embed the video because this dumbed-down WordPress software doesn’t allow iframes, but the slow-mo link is here.

For track neophytes, the proper etiquette for passing during a tight 800m race is as follows:

Remember when Montee Ball was good?

Well, that’s not really proper track etiquette, but that was how I passed people and how my, er, shall we say over-exuberant co-captain taught my team how to pass. You’re supposed to go outside and give plenty of room. However, at this point, during the second lap of 800m, everyone is basically in hell. I have described it as “the worst experience of my life” and “the last place I want to be on planet Earth”. If you’re trying to pass someone, you should go outside, but can you really blame Martinez and Montano for staying as tight as possible and taking the optimal racing line during Olympic Trials? No, your mental capacity is reaching the breaking point and accidents happen. Heck, I’ve been pushed out to lane three during the slowest heat of a 800m at a weekday league meet for no apparent reason.

Men’s 800m

This event was less interesting than the women’s race, but still very exciting. Clayton Murphy surprised many by edging out Boris Berian by a mere .16 seconds. They will both make the team, but that was intense. Clayton followed Kate Grace’s example and set a PR in Olympic Trials to make the team, which must be a good feeling. Murphy is just 21 years old and graduated from Akron this year. Now he’s headed for the Olympics. Veteran Charles Jock finished third and looked pretty solid. The only person who should be upset at himself after this race is Eric Sowinski, who probably could’ve finished third on paper.

Women’s 100m

THIS WAS ALSO INSANE!

Three women under 10.8 on a wind-legal day! Are you freakin’ joking? That’s literally never happened in the history of track & field! Gardner’s time was good enough to win the World Championships in Beijing in 2015! Her name is English, but thank God she’s American because that’s a heckuva time! Actually, apparently it’s the 7th-fastest in history! So, apparently English Gardner has made the leap. Just like that.

That’s why track is the best. It only takes one race to make “the leap” to potential superstardom. Shame that Prandini couldn’t make it, but she’ll probably be on the 4×100 team with Gardner and Bowie so at least she’ll make the team.

Men’s 100m

Justin Gatlin won the race with a 9.80, which was nice, but I’m more concerned with the two new faces that made the team—Trayvon Bromell and Marvin Bracy. I hadn’t even really heard of Bracy until this weekend, after which I learned he was a junior 100m champion and ran a 10.05 before he entered college. That was before I started following track, so I’m going to excuse myself. He also played for FSU as a wide receiver for a year, which is cool. I don’t think Bracy really has any shot at making it past the semifinals in Rio, but the 100m is about as predictable as the Bundesliga (as in, you’re pretty sure Bolt [Bayern Munich] are going to win and someone else from Jamaica [Borussia Dortmund] will finish second, but everybody else is a complete crapshoot). Of course, with Bolt’s supposedly minor hamstring injury leaving him less than 100 percent, I can’t even be sure of that either (Pep leaving Bayern for Man City).

Bromell, on the other hand, is a legitimate medal contender, despite being just 20 years old. He won the 60m at World Indoors (defeating Bracy and Asafa Powell) and he finished with a bronze at the World Championships at Beijing in 2015. He was behind Bolt and Gatlin at Beijing, but that still means he has a decent shot at bringing home some hardware for the United States. Bracy and Bromell are really heralding a new generation of sprinting talent for the 100m into Team USA, even as Gatlin and Tyson Gay remain remarkably effective into their late 30s.

I don’t know, maybe Justin Gatlin and David Ortiz hang out a lot, because they are both experiencing insane late-career renaissances. As many Twitter accounts have noted, Gatlin is the oldest men’s 100m runner to make an Olympic team. Tyson Gay finished fifth and will not be going to Rio, and we shall see if he wants to compete again in another four years. For now, I would say his Olympic career is probably over. Until he magically comes back in four years, because Tyson Gay and Justin Gatlin are actually vampires and just can’t go away.

Because track & field is, at best, the 12th-most important American sport, nobody is going to really care about the legacies of Justin Gatlin and Tyson Gay once they retire, as they will forever be overshadowed by the overpowering magnitude of Usain Bolt (a man so great he requires two unnecessary superlatives). However, I really don’t know what their legacies are going to be. Are they going to be considered mid-tier greats of the sport, which you could reasonably argue considering their times, or will they fade because of the drug allegations and repeated losses in the A-list events? I would go with the latter, and quite frankly I can’t wait for Bromell, Bracy and others to breathe some fresh life into this event for the USA.

Men’s and Women’s 400m

These two events went about as expected, with Allyson Felix the GOAT overcoming her injury to win and LaShawn Merritt throwing down a dominant 43.97 to win by a good margin. Hopefully Merritt can get some redemption and possibly take gold at Rio.

Steeplechase First Round

No surprises here. Emma Coburn and Evan Jager are still overwhelming favorites to win. but I did want to give a shout-out to Brianna Nerud of the University of Oregon, who was a counselor at Northeast Kingdom Running Camp for the last two years and finished fifth in heat two of the steeple. That was really, really cool. Apologies for laughing at you during Weekday Update.

Men’s 5000m First Round

Bernard Lagat won a heat! The guy’s an absolute legend. Who is having a better year, Lagat, Bartolo Colon or Ichiro Suzuki?  The main surprise was that Leonard Korir, who qualified for the 10k earlier, didn’t even make the second round. Chris Derrick, who has run a 13:08 and I mistakenly said was obscure in an earlier edition of this column (guys, I can’t keep track of all the US runners, sorry), was well off the pace and looks injured.

The men’s final is Saturday. Get hyped. The first round of the women’s race isn’t until Thursday.

Ashton Eaton won the decathlon – that’s all you need to know.

Personal Statistics Section

I’m happy to say I would’ve won the Women’s Masters 1500m by 6 seconds! Go me! I would have been 22 seconds slower than the last place finisher in the Men’s Masters 1500m. I would have placed 31st of 35 competitors in the Women’s 3000m Steeplechase. My best converted 3k time would still be worse than the slowest runner in the Men’s 3000m Steeplechase. Remember, these guys have to jump over barriers and a water pit for 7 laps, and they can still crush my best 3K time without any obstacles.

In short, making it to Olympic Trials is an insane accomplishment.

Predictions:

None, there’s a day off tomorrow and just field events on Wednesday. If you really want me to predict something…uh… Emma Coburn will win the 3k steeple on Thursday.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PODCAST: “Chase Utley the Destroyer Edition” – 5/29

Andrew and I recorded another baseball podcast. On this third episode, we discuss “The Ejection”, the Yankees, Chase Utley, prospects, Bartolo vs. Ichiro and Rotoballer chatrooms.

 

Big Ten Tournament Preview (The Finale)

Author’s note: In case you haven’t been following this blog (probably a good decision) or seen the Twitter jokes (also a good decision), I have been writing a story featuring me, some Northwestern sports reporters, and the spectre of Tom Crean for the past two months. It’s essentially “sports-noir”, a genre of fiction I invented ten minutes ago in order to explain it to you properly.

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3

Without further ado, and before I jump the shark and get bored of this, here is the final installment of my basketball previews.

---

Tuesday, February 23 – 8:42 p.m. – Ann Arbor, Michigan

As soon as I walked out of the building to meet the agents of C.R.E.A.N., they stuffed me into the trunk of a black Hyundai Sonata and drove away.

I wasn’t surprised. I was a liability at this point. Why would anyone bother to deal with me while I had no leverage or support? What an idiot I was, thinking they’d just hand over the Inside NU staff because I said so. I didn’t even have the money they asked for. Now they had me, the ledger with the proof of their existence, and my compatriots. At least I knew it was all real now.

We pulled in at a rest stop after about an hour and they took me out of the trunk. There were two agents, both white and wearing typical secret service stuff. Suit, hat, tie, sunglasses, etc. One was about three inches taller than the other. I went to the restroom. Then I was taken to the back seat of the car.

“You know, this is really coming full circle. This whole godforsaken adventure started when I trusted your people. Now it’s happened again. Full circle. Round, like a basketball…” I was cut off.

“What the hell are you even talking about?” the taller agent said. “Are you trying to make a joke? If so, that’s a terrible joke.”

“Look, I’m just trying to compartmentalize my situation into a complex metaphor.”

“But it’s not even a metaphor! It’s a simile! And it’s really, really stupid.” the agent replied.

“Whatever.”

“Look kid, you’re clearly a complete dumbass if you thought your friends were actually in Ann Arbor. Do you wanna know where you’re headed? We’re headed to Indianapolis. And you’re gonna be stuck there with the rest of your friends until we figure out what to do with you.”

Wednesday, February 24 – 10:00 a.m. – Indianapolis, Indiana

I was dropped off at a Motel 6 about 25 minutes away from Indianapolis. The agents of C.R.E.A.N. stormed into the hotel and deposited me in my own room on the third floor.

“Don’t you even think about leaving this room. We can’t actually imprison you jokers, but this is probably not much better. Nobody leaves this Motel 6. Nobody even walks outside the lobby. We will seriously injure you if you attempt to escape,” the shorter agent said.

They left, and I was left with my Motel 6 room. It was surprisingly new. The walls looked freshly painted, there was fake hardwood flooring, and the bathrooms were nice. The towel rack looked very futuristic. If this was my prison cell, I could get used to it. Then I heard some unintelligible shouting from the room next to me. Of course, the walls were thinner than the Knicks’ bench. After about two minutes, I walked outside and banged on the door.

Inside NU’s Henry Bushnell answered. Half the staff of Inside NU was lying around the room playing FIFA. Apparently C.R.E.A.N. was nice enough to get them an Xbox. There were snacks strewn all over the floor, cans of Sprite Zero and Diet Coke on the windowsill, and laptops with Inside NU stickers lying on the desk.

“Oh, hi Tristan. How’d you get here?” Inside NU’s Henry Bushnell said.

“I was locked in a frickin trunk of a Hyundai Sonata for the last 10 hours.”

“Oh, that sucks. Why were you in the trunk?”

“Because the C.R.E.A.N. people kidnapped me while I was trying to ransom you guys out of danger!”

“We’re not really in danger. They, uh, got us an XBox and we’ve watched all the Northwestern games on TV. It’s been a good bonding experience. We can’t message anybody, but we’ve been writing articles on the site.”

“I see.”

“They’re keeping us in Indianapolis until the Big Ten Tournament rolls around and then we’ll be released. They don’t want us poking around anymore. I guess you’re just stuck with us too. We’re getting together a Big Ten women’s bracket pool, you in?” Henry said.

“How have you been keeping up with classes?” I replied.

“As you know, my philosophy is that classes are highly overrated. We’re actually in the midst of an intense FIFA Tournament. I’m playing in the next round, so if you’ll excuse me…”

I suppose this wasn’t so bad. The Motel 6 was hardly the nicest place in the world, but at least they were doing a good job of limiting offensive waterboarding. At this point, I was done dealing with C.R.E.A.N. They wanted us out of the way for some strange reason, and I was fine with that. It wasn’t over yet, though. I was sure of that.

“They deliver Chick-Fil-A if you ask!” Ian McCafferty shouted. “Also, I hate Dexter Fowler.”

Wednesday, March 2 – 3:00 a.m. – Motel 6 Indy

And so we waited. In a movie, this would be the part with a dissolve to show the passage of time. But there wasn’t a dissolve in real life. Outside of downtown, Indianapolis is fairly miserable. I tried to break the boredom by exploring the local area but gave up pretty quickly. I played hours of FIFA. I wrote several articles about the women’s basketball team. I slept. The Motel 6 was not a prison, but it was also not a luxury confinement suite. Spending a week there was bad enough, but the other staff members had been there for weeks. But there wasn’t anything I could do. I was out of ideas.

I lay awake in my slightly uncomfortable Motel 6 bed when there was a huge crash outside. I quickly opened the curtains.

“Holy crap, this cannot be happening,” I muttered.

It saw Eddie Jordan screaming orders from the front seat of his Hummer. I saw the WNUR staff and two writers from the Daily Northwestern sprinting into the building. They had just smashed through the front entrance of the Motel 6. I opened my window.

 

“I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS THE GAS PEDAL!” Eddie Jordan shouted.

The escape crew rushed through the vestibule and quickly climbed up the stairs.

“All of you, get up, we’re going to Bankers Life Fieldhouse! It’s the last safe place!” Ben Goren shouted.

---

 

The Inside NU staff spent 20 minutes getting on proper reporting attire. Only assholes with laptops cover a sporting event without respectable clothing.

The Big Ten Women’s Basketball Tournament was starting, and clearly the tendrils of C.R.E.A.N. had not infected women’s basketball. In Bankers Life, as long as we had our credentials, we were members of the press and C.R.E.A.N. couldn’t come after us. At least, that’s what Eddie Jordan explained at the McDonald’s we stopped at on the way.

“Look guys, I’ve been seeing things in the Big Ten and across college basketball for years. C.R.E.A.N. is real. What they want to do is destroy college basketball as we know it. All of the good power conference teams want to merge into one 32-team “Super League”. The NCAA Tournament will die, relegated to a pitiful scrap between mid-major sadsacks. The NCAA will just become an NBA farm system. C.R.E.A.N. wants to restore equanimity by destroying everything we hold dear about this sport.”

“Coach Jordan, loved your work with the Nets, but shouldn’t you be coaching the Rutgers men’s team right now?” asked Josh Burton.

Eddie Jordan stared at him with a confused look…

“Alright, here’s the deal guys, that pink sheet of paper you saw is the disguised provisional list for C.R.E.A.N.’s plan. Thad Motta and Ohio State are obviously in, so that’s why agents were meeting with him to get the list. Harbaugh plans to turn Michigan into a football-only school complete with an altar to worship at his khaki-clad ankles, so Ann Arbor was a complete ruse. Indiana is the last remaining safe place. Here, among the mid-major darlings like Butler and Valpo, we can be assured C.R.E.A.N. won’t risk anything here,” said Goren.

“But what about Tom Crean? He’s in Bloomington!” I asked.

“Actually, my good friend Tom Crean is one of the biggest opponents of C.R.E.A.N.. The names are just a coincidence,” Eddie Jordan said.

“Alright Coach Jordan, why do you need us?” Inside NU’s Henry Bushnell asked.

“You guys have to break the story! Even though Indiana is tough for C.R.E.A.N. to operate, they’re putting together the final plans for the Superleague during the Big Ten Tournament. They want to be on hand to quash any uproar in the Midwest,” Eddie Jordan said.

“I’m going to take a guess and say Rutgers is not invited into this new ‘Superleague’?” Josh Burton remarked.

Eddie Jordan ignored him entirely.

We had to stop the Hummer to find some gas in Indianapolis. The first gas station was condemned for hazardous waste. The second did not take Eddie Jordan’s credit card. We ended up trying six different gas stations until Eddie Jordan got fed up and stole a can of gas from the seventh gas station.

“Hey, I bet that’s more steals than Rutgers has had all year!” Josh Burton remarked.

Eddie Jordan seethed.

---

 

Wednesday, March 2 – 10:00 a.m. – Bankers Life Fieldhouse

“Alright, everybody have their credentials? Anyone who has a press pass here should be on our side, as far as I can tell,” Jason Dorow said. “And we just have to hope Northwestern keeps winning games, because otherwise some of us can’t justify staying the Marriott.”

“The Marriott is way out of our price range Jason,” Inside NU’s Henry Bushnell said. “I’d probably book us a room at the Motel 6. Or the Bates Motel.”

We all walked into Bankers Life and took our seats. We took up an entire press table. The WNUR guys started on the radio call for the first game of the day, Northwestern vs. Wisconsin.

The game was close. Northwestern was down by 10 points in the third quarter. But Nia Coffey led Northwestern to a huge comeback. Wisconsin lost the game 74-70 in overtime and Northwestern was staying another day. So were we, apparently. We stayed to watch Illinois/Penn State. The arena cleared out after the games were over.

I went to the bathroom again and as I was walking out, I noticed a woman with her credential on backwards. It appeared that no one was checking whether that person was really supposed to be in the media area. Clearly, this was a great injustice. I asked her to turn the credential around.

“No,” she replied, clearly a bit startled by my question.

“I just need to–”

She punched me in the face and immediately started signaling to members of the crowd and other media members with backwards credentials. The surprise punch knocked me over, and as I got up I realized we’d been betrayed.

“Alright, that’s quite enough. Did you really think Eddie Jordan was going to come up with a competent plan…?” said a voice on the PA speaker. “Breaking you out of the Motel 6 was ingenious, I suppose, but taking you to Bankers Life was just a terrible idea. We all know the press can’t be trusted anymore. Just look at the latest Gallup Poll!”

The Northwestern sports media was quickly apprehended. Austin Miller had been watching Brazilian soccer at the time and forgot to resist. Michael Stern attempted to talk his way out of capture by referencing college baseball players. Josh Burton and Max Gelman tried to take out one of the agents with an illegal takeout slide.

“Whatever you do to me, just remember this, SCREW DEXTER FOWLER!” McCafferty shouted.

“That sentence you said on the speaker was written very poorly!” Cole Paxton shouted while was handcuffed by a random guy in neon tights and a Pacers jersey.

“If you send us back to the Motel 6, we better get Chick-Fil-A at the very least!” Will Ragatz screamed uselessly.

I quickly got up and started running for the exit. And then I saw. The boss of C.R.E.A.N. was coming in to inspect the damage.

It was Mike Krzyzewski. Of course, I should have known all along.

“Look, kids, this is ridiculous. You’ve been meddling in my plans for too long. It’s time to go home. If not, we’ll be forced to remove all of you from the premises. Including you Eddie Jordan, shouldn’t you be coaching your basketball team?”

“How could you do this to college basketball? I thought the only grade you need is K!” I pleaded.

“Son, I’m getting old. I want to go out a winner, like Peyton Manning or Jahlil. If I can’t coach in college basketball anymore, than no one can. I AM THE SPORT! DUKE IS THE SPORT! YOU CANNOT STAND IN MY WAY! This year’s tournament has been rigged so that this ragtag Duke team will win back-to-back titles and cement my legacy as the greatest coach of all time. Don’t you love a good underdog story?”

“You…you’re not the f***ing underdogs…” I replied.

“Yes, perhaps your point is correct, but I know you happen to support some underdogs. Ah yes, the Northwestern Wildcats. A miserable program that marvels at getting to the NIT. I would say you’re underdogs, but I think that word suggests you have a chance. You’re under…kittens. Yes, underkittens. But how would you like if Northwestern made the tournament for the first time? Sure, you’d have to win the Big Ten Tournament, but that can be arranged. You’d get to watch your entire school celebrate. You’d get to go to a basketball school for once in your miserable sports lives.”

“It’s not worth it.”

“And you can all go home. Yes, I will offer that as my consolation prize. Forget all of this happened. Forget about the Committee. Forget about everything. Just enjoy the sweet bliss that will come over all of you once Chris Collins and Alex Olah are celebrating their school’s first-ever tournament bid.

Of course, it will be the last tournament, but that is no matter to you, surely.”

“Not like that!” Inside NU’s Henry Bushnell shouted. “That’s not what sports are about!”

“Childish talk. Sports are about money, Inside NU’s Henry Bushnell. It has taken me a long time to see that, but I had to embrace the NBA-ready talent at some point. All of this nonsense is a sham. In fact, in the Superleague, perhaps we can give a minimum wage stipend for our poor players too. Better than what the pissant NCAA gives anyone.

Anyhow, that is my offer. Go home, Northwestern makes the tournament, happily ever after…or you all face the consequences. We’ll even let Bill Carmody and Holy Cross make it too, if you want to be sentimental. Tristan Jung, since you started this whole mess, do you accept the offer?”

Coach K offered his hand to finish the deal. I didn’t know what to do. I had to accept. I reached out my hand…

Coach K slumped over and shouted in pain. Someone had tasered him from the side.

“Who the f*** just tasered me? ARRGHHH”

It was Joe McKeown. Northwestern women’s basketball coach Joe McKeown. He just shot Coach K. Oh my gosh.

McKeown walked over and stood over Coach K. He said nothing.

The C.R.E.A.N. agents lining the walls started taking out guns.

“Had to use the stunner, you know. Too much respect for the guy,” McKeown said. “Anyway, you know kid, I had a friend at Texas A&M who had a great defense he called HTM. Won a couple national championships, you know.”

I looked around and saw the glint of loaded firearms.

“Uh, Coach, is this really the time?” I replied.

“You know what HTM stands for?” he muttered.

“No, Coach McKeown, I do not.”

“Hope they miss.”

the end

 

Photo Source: USA Today

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Northwestern vs. Michigan Preview

This is Part 3. Here is Part 2 and Part 1 . If you want an actual preview of the game, read this article from Inside NU.

Tuesday, February 23 – 7:58 p.m.  – Ann Arbor, Michigan

College basketball is afraid of me. I have seen its true face.

The games, the terrible refereeing decisions, hating Duke–they are merely makeup that powders the grim visage of the NCAA. Nothing remains in the sport-watching compartments of my brain bar the rancorous convictions that the past two weeks have given me. I have seen its true face! I have seen the eyes and the bloated skin cells of corruption.

I am writing this blog entry in the Ann Arbor Public Library. Every few minutes, I look over my shoulder to ensure that I have not been followed. For now, I think I am safe. Readers, this may be the only surviving record of the darkness that has transpired in the past two weeks.

Wednesday, February 10 – 10:13 a.m. – Times Square

Rutger was the last safe place. Clutching the pink sheet of paper that Inside NU’s Henry Bushnell handed to me, I drove the 8 hours and 42 minutes to my apartment in Tarrytown, NY. Going home was my only option at the moment, with CREAN agents operating in the Midwest and around Evanston. As an added bonus, New York’s Big Ten Team was playing host to the Northwestern women’s basketball team. Perhaps Joe McKeown could even shed some light onto the situation.

My parents were perplexed when they saw a strange vehicle arrive at the apartment. I did not explain the whole situation, but I secured a place to stay until the end of the Rutgers game. I spent Tuesday doing some actual reporting. The pink sheet of paper was a ledger for CREAN’s finances, but it was sending money to about 23 different shadow companies that all required research.

After a few hours of research, I realized that there was a registered company in every town with a Big Ten school (except Rutgers) and shadow companies at many of the powerhouse basketball schools across the country. I decided to call the first one on the list, Alcibiades Incorporated, a holding company in Madison, Wisconsin. I got an answering machine. Unsurprisingly, none of the companies on the list wanted to speak to me.

I needed to get in contact with some backup. I had not received any contact from the Inside NU crew, so I assumed CREAN was either blocking communication or that the staff had all been arrested for attacking Thad Motta. Luckily, the WNUR crew was flying into the Big Apple for the game. I was still technically on the WNUR Sports Listserv, which meant I could expect the full backing of the organization.

---

 

“Tristan, go back to school, this is ridiculous,” Austin Miller and Ben Goren simultaneously shouted as we stood in the middle of Times Square. It was cold, but the tourist trap was still crowded.

“Look, Ian McCafferty can explain it all to you. He was there in Ohio State. The Committee is a real thing! Isn’t he supposed to be on this game?” I responded.

“We haven’t heard from Ian or any of the Inside NU people in 48 hours. I took his spot on the call for this Rutger game,” said Goren. “Look Tristan, I know you’re traumatized from getting arrested, but this conspiracy you’ve conjured is ridiculous.”

“But I haven’t conjured anything! Look at the facts!”

“All you have is a piece of paper and some coincidental locations. Is it really surprising that there are some companies that exist in the United States that don’t want to talk to you?”

“Tristan, you can take the flight back to Evanston with us on the team charter. I have on good authority that the charges against you have been dropped,” Miller said.

“No, I have to drive the car back to campus.”

“Suit yourself. We’re going to go see a Broadway show and the Central Park Zoo. Gotta enjoy all that New York’s Big Ten team has to offer!”

“But Rutgers is several hours away…”

“No, no, it’s right here in Manhattan!” said Goren.

“It’s New York’s prime example of intellectual and athletic achievement on the collegiate level.” said Miller.

“You aren’t even on the radio, why are you two still joking about Rutgers?”

“Rutger ain’t no joke, Tristan…”

Wednesday, February 10 – 8:14 p.m. – THE RAC

I am still unsure at how Northwestern lost the game. Northwestern was leading, then it was tied, and then suddenly Rutgers had a buzzer-beating layup and the game was over, over, over. Maybe Northwestern should try guarding Khalejah Coøoooøooøperre on wide-open layups. Also, the refs totally should have called a foul on Northwestern because the Wildcats had a foul to give and Lyon hacked one of the Rutger players. Stupid Rutgers.

Suddenly, as I sadly walked through the RAC, I saw Eddie Jordan. I decided, as one last gasp, to ask him about my supposedly crazy ideas.

“Do you know what the Committee to Restore Equanimity is?” I shouted as he prepared to leave the building. He stopped dead in his tracks.

“Kid, you shouldn’t be messing around with that. Those are some power conference bigwigs that you can’t take on.”

“So you know what is is?”

“All I know is that schools like Rutgers and Northwestern weren’t invited to the party, okay! They’re going to change everything, and you can’t stop it.”

“But what is C.R.E.A.N.?”

“Look, I don’t even know who the hell you are. It’s mostly just rumor and superstition. Get lost.”

“But I’m already lost!”

And he left without saying another word. I drove back to Evanston and arrived late in the afternoon of the next day. My colleagues had all disappeared and I was back to square one.

Tuesday, February 16 – 7:12 p.m. – Sargent Hall

I spent six days going to school as if everything was back to normal. My charges were mysteriously dropped, and my name was cleared. The university did not even acknowledge the incident, doubtlessly concerned with the planning phases of another building. Everyone was moving on, and yet nothing was moving. I thought about going to a WNUR meeting to ask about what was going on, as I am on the LISTSERV, but I never had the time.

It’s fair to say I was feeling a bit paranoid. The thing about real paranoia is that the feeling of dread never, ever leaves your mind, no matter what you do. Real paranoia is when you cannot stop thinking while brushing your teeth in the morning. You check your vacuum for evidence. You refresh your phone 45 times a minute in your spare time looking for updates of any kind. You can sort of go about your day sometimes, but the feeling sits in the general admission section of your brain, occasionally climbing up from the crowd to punch you in the face.

Paranoia is not a wool blanket of darkness thrown over your eyes. It’s not blinding, it’s over-sensitizing. Paranoia is a pulsating strobe light that is placed in front of your consciousness and turned up to eleven. And it’s still just standing on the floor of the concert hall, holding the strobe light and burning your eyes. And yet, you still have to play the concert as best you can. I think that no one is ever paranoid that something good will happen to them. The only fear worth worrying about is one of irreversible defeat. That’s why you check the vacuum filter for signs, that’s why you lock the sheet of paper in a cabinet in order to dress yourself, that’s why you throw your phone out the window when it gets to be too overwhelming. It’s a good thing I have an Otter Box. I swear, that thing is tough enough to shatter a windshield.

But honestly, it wasn’t as bad as I make it out to be. The confusing part was that the website still had #content with everyone’s writing styles, so they had to be out there somewhere. The latest Northwestern news stories were all being posted. Somehow, despite the fact I hadn’t seen anyone, the site remained resilient. Purdue beat Northwestern and there were player grades, a rapid reaction, the whole thing. The site was operating through some ghostly manner. I had no clue what was going on. The men’s basketball team was off until the next Wednesday, so I wrote a brief preview of the Northwestern vs. Michigan game.

With Caris LaVert, Michigan’s second best offensive player by ORtg, possibly sidelined, Northwestern did not have much of a talent deficit. The matchup probably wasn’t as bad as Indiana or Michigan State. Michigan has decent players, but they’d lost four of their last six. Michigan had two signature home wins against Purdue and Maryland and played Maryland tough on the road, but the team has definitely been on the downswing in recent weeks. But Michigan is playing for its tournament hopes, and the Wolverines cannot afford to lose at home to Northwestern. In fact, I still believe that Northwestern has a shot in this game. If Olah comes to play and Michigan’s 154th-ranked defense doesn’t shut down Demps and McIntosh, Northwestern could finally get that elusive quality victory.

I wrote out my preview and tried to submit it onto the site. It failed. I thought maybe SBNation had pulled its article submission services after publishing the worst longform piece of all time, but that probably wasn’t the case. It seemed that I had been removed from Inside NU. My main platform was gone. I didn’t know what to say.

And so I sat in my dorm room, when I heard another suspicious knock on the door.

“Tristan, I’ve come bearing an ultimatum,” said Anna, my old adversary from a few weeks ago who got me into this mess.

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME AND MY COMPATRIOTS!” I replied curtly. “Just get out! I don’t want to hear-”

“Look, if you want to see any of the Inside NU staff members or your family ever again, you should probably hear me out,” said Anna.

“…Fine…”

“Your friends are being held by some of Harbaugh’s goons up in Ann Arbor. You’re basically going to be the guy who delivers the ransom. All you have to do is bring the pink sheet of paper you were carrying and $5,000. Honestly, we don’t even care about the money, but we figured you should have to pay for some of the expenses we’ve been paying. After that, you’re free to go as long as you don’t ever talk about CREAN again.”

“I can make that work as long as you tell me what CREAN actually is.”

“It’s all in the name.”

“That doesn’t answer anything! Where are you getting funding? Who is running this NCAA Mafia?”

She didn’t answer. She just left.

Tuesday, February 23 – 8:00 p.m.  – Ann Arbor, Michigan

And now I’m sitting here, waiting for the agents of C.R.E.A.N. to arrive within the next hour. I’m not sure what to think anymore. Is this the true face of college basketball? If so, I intend to elbow it in the jaw, regardless of whether I am assessed a Flagrant 1 or Flagrant 2. Or maybe it’ll be just a common foul because the face of college basketball is as blind as some of the Big Ten refs.

(I don’t know how this got so dark…don’t worry it’s saving up for an absurd finale.)

Northwestern vs. Minnesota: Game Preview

Wednesday February 3, 12:35 a.m. – Evanston, IL – Sargent Hall

A hard rain rhythmically dribbled against my window as I prepared to write my preview column for tomorrow’s Northwestern vs. Minnesota game. The uncommonly mild Chicago winter had spared me from snow, yet the rain reminded me of endless dribbles, bad defense and bricked three-pointers. The Wildcats hadn’t made it rain in a long time, and yet the rain was here at my windowsill, beckoning to step forward.

I remember the last time Northwestern made it rain against Minnesota. It was a few weeks ago, right after winter break ended. The Wildcats went to Minnesota and won 77-52. Richard Pitino went home sulking. The storm clouds of an NCAA Tournament bid loomed on the horizon. The dreams seemed real. Aaron Falzon went up for another three, and the mirage of legitimacy begged for acceptance.

But it was not to be. And now I was sitting in my dorm room, writing the preview of Northwestern’s rematch against Minnesota after a disastrous stretch of consecutive Northwestern defeats. Sure, these were against ranked opponents, but Northwestern barely stood a chance in any of its last three games. Now, Minnesota returned to my mind with a vengeance. The Golden Gophers had not won a game since defeating Chicago State on December 16. Minnesota has lost eleven straight, but at least some of its more recent contests were close.

Minnesota has a very inexperienced team with loads of raw talent. Yet despite being the opposite of Northwestern in terms of narrative, the results in the past month had been startlingly similar. Northwestern could actually have trouble beating this team at home, which I admittedly did not even think about during the two teams’ last meeting. If the offense continued its cold streak and the defense continued to be bad, I feared for the worst.

I started to write about Nate Mason and Jordan Murphy’s potential. I wrote a brief paragraph on how Northwestern had to start making threes like it did in the first game against Minnesota if it wanted to win. McIntosh had to bounce out of his slump in order to pick apart Minnesota’s zone. Maybe Pitino would switch to man to combat it.

As soon as I started to write about Bakary Konate’s interior presence, a mysterious figure banged on the door.

“Is this Tristan’s room?” cried the mysterious figure. I froze. How had this person gained access to the building? Who wanted to see me at 12:35 p.m.?

“Yes, it’s my room.”

“I have a mystery, and you’re the only one I know who can solve it! It’s Northwestern sports-related!”

“Uh, couldn’t you bother Inside NU’s Henry Bushnell or Burton? I’ve only been—“

“Tristan, you’re the only one I know who can solve it.”

“Alright, well come in then.”

I opened the door and found a fellow freshman journalism student at Medill. I recognized her from class. Her name was Anna, and she immediately started talking about her “mystery”.

“What happened to Northwestern’s defense? We held Maryland to 17 points in the second half on the road! What the hell just happened?!” she shouted.

“Look Anna, I just want to know how you even got in here. You live in Willard and I’m the only Medill student who lives north of the Wall.”

“My boyfriend let me in, that’s not important. What I wanna know is what happened to the defense? Is it going to get better against Minnesota? I’m going to the game and I want to know the deal.”

I hesitated before answering. Northwestern’s defense was a cataclysmic black hole that could not be taken lightly. Visions of open threes flashed before my eyes.

“Look, I don’t know, I was just going to write some bad preview about how Northwestern needs to hit threes to win.”

“Tristan, that’s the most obvious point you could possibly make.”

“Anna, I don’t even know who’s reading this stuff anymore. I’ll show you the stats. I can slip it by.”

“That’s not happening. You gotta execute. You have to figure out what’s wrong with this defense and give me the answer in concise paragraph form before the game starts on Thursday night. You hear me?”

“Will I be getting paid for this work?” I asked.

“I’ll give you one equivalency meal at Frontera on Friday.”

I hesitated. The rain kept falling. My roommate, who had been silent the whole time, stared awkwardly at us.

“Alright, fine. I’ll do it.” The shrimp tacos were worth the trouble, so I thought.

And with that, Anna left the room in a huff, probably to go back and see her boyfriend on the third floor of Sargent. She had left me to hunt for the “Mystery of the Missing Defense.”

I looked on KenPom.com and cringed. I swore Northwestern was 40th in KenPom a few weeks ago after the Wisconsin game, but now the Wildcats were 97th. And thus, I set off to work.

Wednesday February 3, 12:30 p.m. – McCormick Tribune Center

By the time I was getting ready for my 201-1 lecture that afternoon, I was completely stumped. I decided to turn to my editors for advice, just like my professors had advised.

“Henry, what’s wrong with the defense. It’s so terrible.”

I was sitting in the black lounge chairs in the McCormick Tribune Centers. Those chairs are so comfortable. Inside NU’s Henry happened to be walking by and I flagged him down. But Henry was tired from his latest road trip to Iowa and he gave this classic response:

“Figure it out yourself. You’re the reporter. I’ve got to go cover Signing Day and play bingo with Ben Goren.”

And then he left without another word. So much for editors.

Wednesday February 3, 4:00 p.m. – Norris Student Center

After leaving class, I set up shop in Norris and waited for news. I had asked Zach Pereles to do me a solid and pick up some quotes from head coach Chris Collins at media availability THE DAY BEFORE. It was a hard job, but Zach was up to the task. At 4:02 p.m. he sent me the recording of Collins’ responses.

“Uh, you know, we just gotta play them tough. You know, it’s just so fucking hard to win in the Big Ten. This team just doesn’t have the fucking players to compete against Michigan State man.”

Well, as entertaining as that was, it wasn’t satisfying at all. There was no way I could get Collins to talk frankly about the mystery without giving up his prized scouting information. I decided that I had to take the final step and look up some Northwestern game tape.

But first, I prepared myself. I put on my safety goggles and tied my hands to the back of the chair so I wouldn’t stop the viewing process. Uthoff open 3. Uthoff open shot. Jok breaks through the zone defense and scores an easy layup. I wanted to stop. My brain cried out for something positive. Scottie Lindsey gets a technical foul.

I shut off the tape. I’d seen enough. I felt like Alex in A Clockwork Orange.

Wednesday, February 3, 7:36 p.m. – Sargent Hall

I went for a run to clear my thoughts, but all that rattled in my head was the mystery.

“Why is Sanjay Lumpkin the only half-decent defender on this team? Does anyone contest threes? What even is this zone? Could the Chameleon stop Rutgers in a few weeks?” I thought miserably.

The mystery was never going to be solved at this point. The problems were too vast, lost in the superstructure of basketball that I did not have the power to understand.

“I AIN’T EVER PLAYED THE GAME!!” I screamed in agony.

But it was true. I had never played organized basketball. I did not understand the intricate alchemy necessary to build a solid defense. I wasn’t Tony Bennett or Greg Popovich.

Northwestern was 112th in adjusted defensive efficiency on KenPom. But why? I had a good general idea, but the details escaped me. I had noticed that Nathan Taphorn and Scottie Lindsey did not look like they were trying on defense. But the other guys did try. They just looked lost in the zone sometimes. Why was Northwestern still playing the zone? How was I going to summarize this in a quick paragraph for tomorrow’s preview?

And then I fell into the rabbit hole again. There was just nothing I could do. I felt like Gavin Skelly trying to post up Diamond Stone. My black mask of basketball competency had been ripped from my face and thrown to the floor. I returned from my run and sat down at my desk. Maybe some homework would clear up my mind.

Wednesday, February – 3 7:45 p.m. – Patten Gym

Forget homework. Inside NU’s Henry Bushnell has always preached that the site is more important than my classes. I decided to head to Patten and hit the basketball court to better understand the situation. Maybe if I started to play the game, I would finally reach understanding.

The other team quickly started its first possession and the point guard drove to the basket. Three members of my team collapsed on him without saying a word to each other. That left two opposing players wide-open for an easy layup. And just like that, I had some idea of how to solve the mystery. It was communication! Northwestern’s defense wasn’t talking to each other. I sprinted off the court and began writing the final paragraph of the preview.

Wednesday, February 3 – 9:30 p.m.

I finally finished the preview and got ready to send it to my editor. It had been raining all day, and a huge, cacophonous thunderclap rang through my room. The rain dribbled against the window, pressing, waiting for me to make a mistake. There was another knock on the door. I opened it without even asking who it was. Anna had returned

“So, you’ve figured it all out,” she said wryly.

“Yep, and I submitted before deadline just like the staff outlined in our last meeting. You know—”

“No one gives a shit about your preview, Tristan.”

“Uh, but you were the one who request—”

She suddenly pulled out a piece of paper.

“Tristan, do you know what this is?” she said.

“No. It looks like it’s just a piece of paper.”

“Ha, Tristan, you’ve played right into my hands. This is the first page of the lawsuit I’m bringing against Inside NU for libel.”

“What are you even talking about?” I responded.

“While you were busy trying to finish the story, my associates knocked out Zach Pereles and fed you that blatantly false Chris Collins quote. Your reputation and the site will be ruined once the story is published.”

“Wait, what? I’m just going to text Josh and Henry right now then,” I stammered. I quickly looked for my phone. It wasn’t there. I’d left it in the basketball gym with all my other stuff. The only thing left was my computer.

Anna pulled out a hammer from her backpack.

“I think I’ll smash that Macbook and wait right here. Thankfully, the money I get from SB Nation will certainly be enough to get you a new laptop once you get suspended. You were an excellent pawn, Tristan. All too excellent. You were the neutralized defender on my little pick and roll scheme.”

Communication. It’s all about communication. I tried running through ideas. I had to figure out a way to contact the editors of the site to retract the quote before the morning. Suddenly, Anna smashed my laptop.

“I can sue you for that!” I shouted.

“No, you can’t. Nobody will believe you. And I’m not leaving until the story gets published tomorrow morning. You’re not leaving either. I’ve already sent your roommate to a frat party and he probably won’t return until sometime this weekend.”

“But what do you have against the site?! What do you have against me?” I pleaded.

“Have you ever been…mad online, Tristan?”

“No, not really. I try not to troll.”

“Do you know how many times my comments have been deleted from your ridiculous website? Do you know how many hot takes have been squandered by your staff? My expletive-laden rant about why Alex Olah and Tre Demps should be benched forever was deleted by your stupid colleagues. Not to mention the censorship of my demands that Matt Alviti should start. You know, if I had my way, Mick McCall and Pat Fitzgerald would be out of a job right now. The logic of my arguments is impeccable. You were just the only writer without any idea of how to understand Northwestern’s defensive struggles. You were the perfect target because of your basketball ignorance,” she explained.

“But those are bad opinions!” I argued.

“There are no such things as bad opinions! We live in a country of free speech! And now you’ll pay the price for your ignorance. My hot takes will make America great again!”

I’d been duped. I’d blown my assignment. The ball was headed toward the basket. The open threes were raining down on my parade. Just like Northwestern, I couldn’t communicate when it counted.
The End

(Just in case I do get sued, none of the characters in this story bear any likeness to real life. All resemblance to real-life people is coincidental. Really.)

FP College Basketball Column: Jan. 26

I haven’t updated the “weekly” FP College Basketball column for a while now, but now’s a good time to crank up the old word processor and start dishing out some hot takes. I will try to get these out as often as I can, which will depend on workload. Tonight was a big writing night, so here we are.

In this edition of the thus far unnamed FP College Basketball Column, we’ll play a game called “Are they actually good?”. I will analyze five teams to figure out if they are actually good, or merely pretending to be good. By “good” I mean, “capable of making the Elite 8 or better”.

Are they actually good?

1. Iowa State (16-4, 5-3 in conference, 12th in KenPom)

Actually, there shouldn’t really be any debate over whether Iowa State is good or not. The Cyclones are good. This is a good excuse to analyze them though.

This team is very one-dimensional, but that dimension is probably enough to confirm that post-Fred Hoiberg Iowa State is definitely for real on paper, even if it gets upset in the weekend of the tournament. Offensively, the Cyclones are dependent on Georges Niang, but that’s not such a bad thing. He’s averaging 19.3 points per game, 6.4 rebounds and over three assists. Niang is a unique talent, and he is a Swiss-Army Knife on offense. He’s a good ball handler who moves well and has good post-up moves combined with a solid jumpshot. There’s little college defenses can do to stop him from scoring. In last night’s win over Kansas, Niang did not make a three, but he managed to score 19 points anyway with his skillset.

Point guard Monte Morris has stepped up and is having the best season of his career. His assist rate has improved and his effective field goal percentage is up by 2.8 percent. Morris is absolutely killing it from mid-range and near the basket. His two-point percentage is 59 percent, which is fantastic for a high-volume point guard.

While his three-point shooting has regressed slightly, Morris is still playing excellently. McKay and Nader have been fine, and Iowa State’s starting five can play with any team in the country.

Iowa State’s 6th-ranked offense (KenPom) is very dangerous, but there are still problems. They are currently 69th in adjusted defense on KenPom. The defense has looked fairly incompetent against top-tier offenses (at least, up until the Kansas game). The team’s depth is also bit of an issue, as Deonte Burton is the only real option off the bench. The starting five is playing a ton of minutes, and Steve Prohm may have to manage his team as it continues down the gauntlet that is the Big 12 this season. But seeing Iowa State comfortably beat Kansas should be enough evidence to prove that the Cyclones are for real. Also, its win over Iowa earlier this year looks really good.

Verdict: Definitely good, with the potential to be a Final Four team.

2. Providence (17-3, 5-2 in conference, 38th in KenPom)

While the AFC Championship game was starting, you may have missed Providence going on the road and defeating Villanova in an overtime thriller. That is, if you think “thrilling” means a defensive slugfest in the second half. That game was enough to sell the AP Poll on Providence, as the Friars have vaulted up to 10th in the AP Poll. That’s 28 spots above their KenPom ranking!

KenPom hates Providence because the offense is easily the most inefficient of any top ten team in the AP Poll. This is Providence’s shot chart: (Scroll down and look at Indiana’s shot chart by comparison.)

More than half the shot chart is in Toronto Blue Jays colors! That’s bad. That’s Providence is 90th in ShotAnalytics’ PAE stat, which compares expected shooting value to an average of all shots taken at a particular spot. ShotAnalytics also only ranks teams in Power Seven conferences, which means Providence is probably somewhere in the 120s in terms of PAE. That’s not good.

Bentil and Dunn are Providence’s only decent offensive players. They are one of the worst three-point shooting teams in a power conference, currently slotting in at 298th in shooting percentage. Providence knows this, and the Friars have been coached to avoid taking too many threes, but that glaring hole in the offense is a problem. Providence are shooting under 30 percent from three in conference. Although they’re still better than Northwestern (author hits head on desk), Providence has very little outside shooting. Therefore, the offense is mediocre. Providence’s offensive efficiency has predictably decreased in conference play, but they’ve managed to get around it with amazing defense.

Providence’s defense is incredible. This defensive unit can play with almost any style of team. Bentil’s rim protection is phenomenal. Opponents are only shooting 57 percent around the basket against Providence. They have three guys who can guard anyone on the perimeter. Their three-point defense is also phenomenal. While three-point percentage against is partly luck-driven, Providence is holding teams to 31.3 percent from beyond the arc. They are also limiting three-point attempts. Against Villanova, one of the best teams in the country, Providence clamped down late in the second half. Villanova took seven minutes to score seven points. Providence was holding Villanova to about one point per minute on the road! 

Despite the excellent defense, it does not change the fact that Providence is vastly overrated at No. 10 in the country. Providence lost at home to Marquette and Seton Hall within the last three weeks. They are a very solid team in a loaded Big East, but I’m not ready to call them a Top Ten team with that offense. Can Providence win games when the other team is making tough shots? Seton Hall made shots and the Providence offense responded with fewer than 1 point per possession. I don’t think Providence is good enough, based on what I have seen thus far. I’m standing firm on this point, even as the Friars try to pray for me to see the light.

Verdict: Not real, although they can reach it when things are going well

3. Indiana (17-3, 7-0 in conference, 19th in KenPom)

I went to see Indiana dismantle Northwestern at Assembly Hall this weekend, and it is hard to imagine how the Hoosiers won’t be contenders in the Big Ten Tournament and the postseason. That being said, they have only played the seven mediocre or bad teams in the Big Ten so far. While they are on a 12-game winning streak, Indiana’s first test against a top-40 KenPom team won’t come until it plays Michigan on the road on Feb. 2. Wisconsin on the road this week will also be tough.

Still, with Maryland dropping a game at Michigan, Indiana has a chance to win the Big Ten, as long as they can continue to play well and beat Iowa twice…yeah, that might not happen. The Hoosiers have a deep and talented squad that has played better since losing James Blackmon. Indiana can shoot. Indiana can move the ball well. However, I’m still not sure if Indiana can defend against the top-tier offenses. Shutting down Northwestern is not exactly impressive. Once they start playing Iowa, Michigan State and Maryland, the team’s lack of defensive presence could be an issue.

Thomas Bryant could be the key for this entire team. Ferrell, Troy Williams and Hartman are not above-average defensively, and Bryant will have to be the linchpin for this defense as a whole. Unfortunately, Bryant has not looked very good on defense, and Alex Olah of all people scored on him at will in the last game. Diamond Stone should have a field day against his fellow freshman. If Bryant starts to waver inside, the rest of Indiana’s defense could fall apart. However, its elite offense can keep them in every game. We haven’t seen what will happen when the shots aren’t falling when this team is without Blackmon, and there will be a day when that occurs. For now, just look at the Sriracha-splattered three-point line on this shot chart:

Verdict: Good

4. Oregon (16-4, 5-2 in conference, 24th in KenPom)

Haha, the Pac-12 may not have anybody make the Sweet Sixteen at this rate (Arizona: 4-3 in conference), but Oregon is a very interesting case. For some reason, I’ve been watching a ton of Oregon basketball, and they never really look like an elite basketball team until, suddenly, they look like an elite team for ten minutes. They scored 28 points in the first half against Stanford at home, and then they won 71-56. The defense looked atrocious against USC and Colorado, but they shut down Utah pretty well.

I’m not sold on this team because of the defense though. Like Iowa State, Oregon is mired in 70th in KenPom’s defensive rankings. Oregon’s whole starting lineup is made up of offense-first players, and they have been prone to doing bad things like give up 1.26 points per possession to Colorado. Oregon’s defense makes them a boom-or-bust team, but Brooks, Dorsey and Boucher are good enough to overcome the defensive issues. They protect the ball well (6th in the nation in steal percentage on offense) and they also get by on stealing the ball (37th in steal percentage).

Overall, Oregon is solid. They aren’t Elite 8 worthy, but the Ducks are okay. Someone is going to expose them at some point, but that offense really works. Oregon is at its best when it gets humming in transition and Dwayne Benjamin hits a random three that gets the bench going. That can work. But I’m hesitant to say they are “good” just yet.

Verdict: Not good yet, but could make it there on a good day.

5. Duke (15-6, 4-4 in conference, 20th in KenPom)

It’s a good time to be a Duke hater. Duke has lost four of its last five games and may not be ranked next week. Coach K lost to Jim Boeheim in Cameron! Could this be the end of Duke?

Duke is projected by KenPom to go 21-10 this year. While they’ll get an at-large bid barring an truly epic collapse, it’s fair to argue that this team is probably not going very far in the tournament this year. Allen and Ingram are fantastic, but the team is very thin once you get past Luke Kennard. Plumlee Brother No. 56 can’t do much on offense other than putback dunks and layups. Thornton is young and can’t really shoot. Matt Jones’ run from three-point land has fallen off and he’s shooting 32 percent in conference play. Duke just doesn’t have any depth without Amile Jefferson. They basically played six players against Miami yesterday. They have nobody else.

Duke still has the front-line talent to contend with anybody in the ACC, but the team’s complete lack of depth is extremely concerning. You can win if two of your six guys are Jahlil Okafor and Justise Winslow, but it’s much harder to do with Duke’s current squad. All the Duke haters can come out of hiding now. It’s okay. Embrace your identity.

Verdict: Not good, but this will probably come back to haunt me.

Shot Chart of the Week: Jalen Lindsey, Providence

Speaking of Providence’s offensive woes, let’s take a look at Jalen Lindsey’s shot chart:

At least Jalen Lindsey has the right idea, according to conventional advanced basketball stats. He’s taken the midrange completely out of his game. He only takes threes and drives to the basket. Daryl Morey should be taking a look at him. Except there’s one problem, Jalen Lindsey can’t shoot from three. He just can’t. He only shot 33 percent as a freshman and he’s down to 24.7 percent this year. What’s even worse is that he leads the team in three-point attempts! He’s 1 for his last 17 attempts! Stop taking threes Jalen! I’d bet the team’s offensive efficiency would go up by at least 10 spots if you replaced all of Lindsey’s misses with midrange jumpers. It’s that bad. Sorry Jalen, you have the right idea, but the shot chart doesn’t lie.

“Brevity is the soul of wit” Power Rankings

15. Indiana

CRRRRREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!

Photo: BTN

14. SMU

This team will not make the tournament, and you should be sad. Screw you, Larry Brown. You are also a very good college basketball coach.

13. Maryland

Northwestern took them to overtime and they lost to Michigan State. Not a good look. I’m putting them on upset alert in January.

12. Michigan State

Izzo’s just waiting for March at this point.

 11. Louisville

Still haven’t beaten anybody. If they beat UVA at home, call me back.

10. West Virginia

How did they lose at home to Texas? Answer: 3/21 from three, 0.84 pts/possession

9. Miami FL

I still really like this Miami team. Watch out for its three consecutive against UNC/UVA/Louisville later this year.

8. Xavier

All hail the 2016 Big East.

7. Kansas

Uh, what happened? The Jayhawks beat Oklahoma. Then they lost three of six, including one blowout loss to NIT-bound Oklahoma State.

6. Virginia

As much as this team hurts my eyes, I still have to put them in the top 6.

5. Texas A&M

The Aggies play Iowa State in the Big 12/SEC Challenge this weekend. Watch it.

4. Villanova

Josh Hart!

3. North Carolina

Brice Johnson is a beast.

2. Iowa

Iowa’s really good. Nothing else to add.

1. Oklahoma

Hield vs. Simmons, this weekend, be there or be square.

Bonus Shot Chart for Depressed Northwestern Fans:

He shaved his head, so this should be better in two weeks, I hope.