In honor of the latest goofy, unnecessary and completely less-than-amusing ad campaign proposing Bryant McIntosh to be the face of the dime, because, you know, assists. And while we’re using unpaid athletes’ likenesses to increase sales and market the university, I have some suggestions for Northwestern’s PR department for their next move.
If the Shoe Fitz’ – An animated cartoon involving the wacky adventures of stern, but lovable, head coach Pat Fitzgerald and his mischievous football team. #iftheshoefitz
Northwestern Athletics present an avant-garde short film of Ifeadi Odenigbo in a literal potato sack, because, sacks! Get it! It’s a play on words and sports slang! In the end, he emerges and tells the media to vote for him as Big Ten Player of the Year.
“Jango Unchained” – A totally politically correct and tasteful parody rap song inspired by the hit movie Django Unchained featuring Jango Glackin and voting for Northwestern players in various awards. #movealong
“Jango 2: Jango Fett’s Revenge” – A completely misrepresented and non-canon Star Wars-inspired parody involving Jango Glackin as bounty hunter Jango Fett and Kirk Ferentz as Emperor Palpatine. Sort of like the Star Wars Christmas Special but with more purple. Also it’s not like the Athletic Department hasn’t tried this before. #bobafettisbetter
“Jango 3: Let’s play Jenga” – A video of a competitive Jenga tournament featuring all the Northwestern sports team hosted by Jango Glackin. #jengaedifying
I Fought the Law – A television show featuring Vic Law policing student-athletes on social media platforms to make sure they say nothing negative whatsoever. Because that’s fair and legal and doesn’t violate the First Amendment. #lawincourt
Fredericks on Fredericksburg – Northwestern women’s lax player Shelby Fredericks takes us through the Battle of Fredericksburg during the Civil War in a new documentary. She takes some high-larious potshots at Union general Ambrose Burnside! Cameo appearance from Selena Lasota explaining the campaigns against the Lakota during the Civil War on a bonus disk.
Massey vs. Massey – Northwestern field hockey player Pascale Massey and famed sports statistical analysis Ken Massey square off on t-distributions and the statistical significance of tying your shoes before taking a penalty in field hockey.
An anime series called Northwestern Volleyball Gundam that features the Northwestern volleyball team transported to the future and playing interplanetary volleyball with robots.
Northwestern Athletics campaigns for Nia Coffey to become the new face of Starbucks.
Turning Anthony Walker into a superhero named “The Franchise” with his own comic book and lunchbox!
Oh wait, that already happened, my apologies.
Strong Can Clay – In an attempt to improve his clay-court game, Northwestern tennis player Strong Kirchheimer receives a pottery lesson on YouTube.
“My Name is Jonas” – A synergistic cross-brand marketing campaign with the band Weezer to promote Northwestern women’s basketball player Maya Jonas and Coca-Cola products, including Sprite Zero. #weezercats
(Ben Goren suggestion) Sanjay Lumpkin Eats a Pumpkin. That’s it. He’s just eating a pumpkin because it’s fall. #lumpkinpumpkin
Northwestern Athletics campaigns to make Dererk Pardon a host on PTI with Northwestern alum Michael Wilbon! #pardonmytake
And before you say all of these are unlikely, just remember that the Northwestern Athletics department is trying to campaign to get Bryant McIntosh on the dime. This is actually happening.
Forget the Protocol 